Scout Wonders What the Hell Sex Is
by Maggot Magnet
Summary: Seriously, what the hell IS that? I'm serious. Seriously. Wheeze wheeze.


A/N: I don't care what anyone thinks because I am a conceited fucker that loves her own shit anyway go review, my pretties, because for some reason I am desperate for words; just kidding. Wheeze wheeze.

* * *

Little boys should _not_ know what hookers are.

Thus, a few things should not have taken place that day.

Number one; Scout should have minded his _own business_ and _not_ snooped into Sniper's conversations.

Number two; Sniper _needs_ to stop being a pervert.

Number three; Spy should _not_ encourage Sniper's perversion. I do not think that is a good idea. I mean, okay, so someone's a pervert. If I knew a pervert, I would most _definitely_ not keep talking and talking to him about _pervert things_ and starting conversations about _dicks_ or _ladies_ like Spy does. I certainly hope that the only reason Spy was continuing to encourage damn pervert Sniper was because he was kidding...yeah, _he was kidding_, okay? Because if he wasn't kidding then_ why the hell was Scout standing there?_

Number four; What am I listing again?

Okay, anyway._ Fuck that shit_. I hate lists. I hate math, too. So does Soldier, I think. One time Engineer was working on the circumference to create a level four sentry and Soldier was standing in front of the blueprints and poking Engineer's pencil with his finger for fun and then when Engineer looked up all like, "Who's _doin'_ that?" Soldier looked away at the sky only ceiling was covering it so yeah, but actually his helmet hid his eyeballs so really it just looked like he turned around. And Engineer just sighed and went back to his boring shit and then Soldier poked the pencil again but this time it made him swipe a line across his blueprints and so Engineer's cute face growled and screamed, "Go_ away,_ Solly!" But then Soldier looked really offended and he was all like apologenic and cute and so he went, "It wasn't me, you incapable piece of shit maggot scum." But it really was and I don't get that, and also Soldier was smiling so what the_ fuck_? I _really_ don't get that but maybe Soldier just hates math because math is just addition and addition, just like meth is addiction and addiction, and overall stupid math should be saved for _old tampon-eating taxpayers_ that have number fetishes. But Engineer liked numbers too, probably, and he might have even eaten a few tampons because he shouted, "Now, Imma count to three and y'all better leave me alone!" Soldier's_ too cool_, though, and he just stands there all_ American-like_ and then he goes behind Engy who was sitting on the chair and then Solly kneels real real real quiet, so much that Engineer doesn't even notice and hums a little farming song or something as he does the boring division and then Soldier screams "_BOO,_ FAGGOT!" and Engineer wheezes and falls backwards in the chair and then he wheezes so hard that Soldier starts to worry so he gulps worriedly_ because he is worried_ and then he gently smacks Engineer's wheezing face with his boot_ because he cares_ and then Soldier shrieks, "What the fuck is wrong with you?" _because he's a good friend._ But the Engineer is wheezing and wheezing like some sort of South African sex-deprived horny hyena and so Medic gallops into the room with a scampery trot like a German nazi horse and goes, "Vat is za mattah, herr Engineeah?" And then Soldier, being the polite person that he is, says, "I think someone fucked Engy up the_ lungs,_ Kraut." Medic just shakes his head and rolls his eyes because maybe he is remembering that one special moment with one special man and then he takes the wheezing Texan in his arms with a huffy "Ach, zat is _not_ a healzy veight!" and Soldier gets REALLY _REALLY_ mad so he punches Medic in the face and then Medic falls over with Wheezegineer still in his arms. Soldier's hands swoop up Enwheezeer and Soldier shouts, "TO THE RESCUE! NO MAN LEFT BEHIND!" And then Soldier ran to the doctor office place thingy with Wheeze-man still in his gross army sweaty-armpit hairy muscle hands and Medic was shouting, "SHEIBE! FUCK! DUMMKOPFS!_ HAAGEN DAAZ!_" because doctors can't heal themselves and the pain hurt like a thousand Heavies messing up his skeletal system from the inside with their massive Russian Commy-cocks with hair all over them like a post-revolutionary Che Guevara and all of this pain inducing as much pain stars revolving around Medic's head as stick-on stars on Dmitry Medvedev's coat. I am only comparing that in disturbing political detail because Medic can't use a healing kit while fucking on a bed, can he? And right now he's in the middle of the floor and clutching his eye socket in pain and...why the hell am I explaining this? Are you retarded? But yeah, so then Soldier puts Wheezy on the medical table and does the breath thing mouth-to-mouth whatever-it's-called and then Wheezer starts getting SUPER red and he wheezes so much right into Soldier's mouth and then he starts sweating all over and then Soldier starts looking at that one place in Wheezegineer's pants and then Soldier gets very red too and then they wheeze together into each other's mouths until Medic comes back with an ice pack on his eyeball and he punches Solwheeze and Enwheezeer in the gut and _beleive me, woman,_ they stop wheezing _right then and there._ Ouchies, right in the _SPLEEN_. Whatever the hell that organ does. Medic wouldn't know. He just knows it's squishy and it kind of explodes into a mess of blood and guts if he drops it on the floor by accident while the patient is under toxic sleeping gas that is leaking into the battlefield from an accidental burst of a _septic tank_ that probably contains a radiation level that is well_ over 9000._ But don't be such a baby, Sniper! _Spleens grow back!_

No zhey don't.

* * *

"Hookers?" Sniper laughs as he nudges Spy knowingly with his elbow. "Oi, yeh think _Oi_ ain't _nevah_ slept with a _hookeh?"_

Spy giggled and snorted and then he rolled his eyes and went, "Oh, do tell me 'ow you convinced some insane woman to get 'er way wizh you, Mr. Piss Man." If you have a memory that exceeds mine, you will remember that I previously wrote something about Spy encouraging Sniper's pervertedness. Well, I'd think that if Spy would TILT HIS FUCKING HEAD DOWN and FLUTTER HIS _FUCKING EYELASHES_ at him like a _BITCH IN HEAT_ and then FLIP HIS HAND AT HIM like **_JESSE TYLER FERQUSON_**, THAT'S PRETTY FUCKING ENCOURAGING ISN'T IT?

To answer than question; _yes._

Continuing on.

"Ah, yeh underestimatin' the true-blood Aussie in me," Sniper said because he is from Kangaroo Land. "Fair dinkum, Oi_ tell_ ya!" And then Sniper looked down at Spy WITH THESE_ REALLY_ WEIRD EYES and it was WEIRD and then he sort of half-winked because the way Spy was looking at him was a big _unf-unf_ stare and it could **clit**erally seduce _anyone._ "Well, it happened a_ bit_ loike this; 40 'em bucks in one hand, a schooner o' beer in th' other. Rotten as _hell._ Make moi way over, tilt the sunnies on my face, mutteh to 'er, '40 enough, for ya, _eh?'"_

By this time Scout had found an oppurtunity to make his way behind them to listen to the remnants of that horrid story that was due to unfold.

A story that Sniper DIDN'T EVEN _MIND_ TELLING TO SPY for some _odd _(a synonym for odd is queer, by the way) reason.

I'm not even sure _WHY_ SPY CARED but let's LEAVE IT TO YOUR_ IMAGINATION._

_Mmm._  
_Wink wink._  
_Nudge nudge._  
_Wheeze-wheeze._

"So?" Spy grinned a _REALLY_ CREEPY GRIN because I don't want to know what Spy was imagining and it is most definitely not something safe for work because Spy is _REALLY_CREEPY. "Where's zhe fun part?"

He considers sex_ fun.  
_I_ told_you he's weird.

"Oh, it's comin'," Sniper assured with a REALLY CREEPY NOD. Snickering and suddenly shaking his head, he made a really weird low voice that he probably uses when he hits on people or something, not that I'm describing in detail how his nose twitched as it contorted into his sexy Australian smile and he licked his sexy Australian lips that were surrounded by the rauncy unshaved sexy Australian stubble. Wanna guess what else is unshaved? I don't.

Spy probably wanted to guess because he made his voice really throaty and low and then he went, "No pun intended, I suppose."

That's not even that funny, but they _burst_ into laughter because they're_ perverts_ and maybe they are something _more_ but that exact matter does not concern me in the slightest. Spy burst into snorts rather than a normal human's laughter, actually, because although his cocaine was _safe and away_ in his stinky-cheese-n'-wine-n'-stenches collection in Paris at the moment, he still has this reflex to snort whenever he gets humored or aroused or anxious or aroused or scared or aroused or aroused or French or aroused or Gayben. Or aroused. But that's not the point that we are currently addressing.

Scout had no wrong meaning like Spy apparently did, though.

No, he was just beginning to listen to the story at that moment because what's a hooker?

"Give 'er the perve, she knows Oi'm a' toike her up to th' bed," Sniper murmured under his breath, looking around to make sure no one was there. That retard, he didn't even look right behind him where Scout was. Ha ha, if he ever looked behind him, then he would have never had to use his Jarate. Well, not that he wants to stop using his Jarate. Speaking of that, he went on. "An' up there she's all shyin', don't wanna go along wit' moi unique lil' _piss_ kink, y'know?"

Spy nods and raises his eyebrows as if he understands. He doesn't understand, though. I don't think he is canonically established to like piss like a certain someone is. _'Oi'll slip ya another Jarate on the barbie'_. Look, I made a 60s pop culture reference! Now I have an excuse to talk about Sniper having sex, right?

"Spunk don't know a bushman's rule, aww, poor lass. Don't agree with it, an' she gets the _regular drill_, 'm?" Sniper puts on a raepface in remembrance. He took off his hat and held it to his chest with his scraggly man-hands to the amusement of Spy and the confusion of the obscured Scout. "She must've never got a root rat loike me on th' job. Toi 'er up to a chair in the nuddy, force her into havin' a naughty wit' some jars, heh - here comes the good part - pull out m' _old fella_ an' - "

"What's a hooker?"

Sniper turns pale and whips his face around. "WOT THE BLOODY HELL! SINCE WHEN'RE _YOU_ HERE?"

Scout shrugged because he does not plan his time to appear at the wrong moments. He whined again with a scowl; _"Dude,_ what's a _hooker?"_

"Go _away,_ Scout," Spy snapped, flicking Scout away with his glove because he wanted to further envision Sniper getting it on with a hoe. "We're in zhe middle of an intelligent story _you would not understand_ due to your display of apparent_ immaturity._ Now, _shoo."_

Scout blinked up at Sniper in confusion, ignoring the annoying French guy. "Why da _hell_ would ya throw piss at her? Yer_ off_ the field, an' ya_ know_ she ain't a Spy, amiright?"

Sniper turned as red as Wheezegineer and coughed, "Eh, um, just makin' sure, y'know..." (Incorporate optional wheeze-wheeze here.)

_"Scram,_Scout!" Spy shoved the innocent Bostonian's chest away.

Scout shook his head and crossed his arms stubbornly. "I ain't goin till you_ fags_ tell me wha' da hell a hooker is, and I mean it," he told them with a manly face so they would back off, and plus also tell him what that is.  
"Can I guess?"

Well, of course Scout couldn't guess it right even if he tried. He doesn't even know what sex is. Actually, he thinks he does because one time his mom was making really weird noises downstairs and Scout couldn't sleep so he crept downstairs and he heard someone go, "Yeah, baby!" but it sounded like the repairman who always fixed their TV and then he heard his mom making a sound like she was whining, kind of, and then his bigger brother Stevie was standing in the middle of the hallway to piss little-Scout off and then Stevie goes, "Yo, what's up?" and then Scout runs at Stevie and kicks his knee and says, "Move it, bitch, gawtta go see what's with Ma!" but then Stevie laughs and goes, "Idiot, she's having sex." But then he walks off so little-Scout decides to go back to his tiny bed that is nestled between all of his brothers and he goes up the stairs really quietly so none of his brothers would hear him and maybe they would accuse him of having Sex too, whatever that is. So the next day, Scout is super confused so at breakfast with his brothers and his Ma, who was happier than usual, plus also Scout had Fruity Pebbles and then he's all like to his Ma, "Ma, what _were_ ya doin' last night wit' da repairman? You sounded like you were whinin'. Did he hurt ya or somethin'?" but then his Ma gets a really pinched-up face and all the bigger brothers crack up like they do whenever Scout falls on his ass when he's running to third base and then his Ma goes, "Scout, that is inappropriate, ya little cunt!" and she points him towards the stairs to say he is grounded and Scout doesn't like that but maybe having a Sex is something no one likes to talk about because it's really _gross and bad_, probably. But then why would Sniper and Spy talk about a Sex _without_ their mothers there because he thought maybe only mothers have a Sex, right? And maybe repairmen, too. So maybe Engineer had Sex once, I think. Ew, he thought that was gross and disgusting because he doesn't want to think about Engineer with pajamas on whining in bed. That's _creepy_. Also, that is gross and disgusting because he doesn't want to think about Engineer with boxers and no shirt since maybe _that's almost as gross as Sex._

But then they did not respond so Scout thought that maybe they wouldn't let him guess and that is just _unhuman_ of them. A human should at least guess because that's called _manners._ Plus also, Scout was about 80% sure that was one of the rules in the Bible, he thinks. So they will go to hell if they don't and hell does not have baseball or French cheese or kangaroo boxing, mate. And then Sniper will call it bloody hell because he's Australian and stupid and _gross._

Scout fell to his knees, kind of. More like kind of kneeled a little because if he fell to his knees that would hurt his knee caps and the Nazi horse would have to gallop in. "Pleeeeeeease let me guess," Scout pleaded with really really big eyes. "PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE _PLEAAAAASE!_ I BEG OF YOU! AND I DO NOT USUALLY BEG SO THIS SHIT MEANS A LOT TO ME! JUST ONE GUESS! JUST A GUESS, PLEASE! PRETTY PLEASE WITH A CHERRY AND SUGAR AND AUSTRALIAN LADIES AND WINE ON TOP! _PLEASEPLEASEPLEASE -_ "

"We'll give yah _one_ guess, how's_ that?_" Sniper muttered. "And then you _rack off,_ hear?"

Scout looked down at the floor, thinking. He tapped his chin with one finger, thinking that maybe Hooker has to do with Sex because Scout noticed people also want him to leave when they are talking about Sex. "Is Hooker a kind of Sex?"

"Em..." Spy urgently glanced at Sniper. Sniper nodded in reassurance.  
Spy looked back at Scout and went, "Indeed. I suppose one can say so, yes."

Again nothing began to make sense. So if Hooker was a kind of Sex, then what's Sex? There are different kinds? How different can it be to whine in pajamas? I mean, Scout guessed you can whine in pajamas standing up and laying down, maybe. But then why did Sniper tie a girl to a chair and throw Jarate at her? Maybe that chair-thing meant doing a _Hooker Sex_! It must be gross to whine in pajamas if you have a middle-aged man's pee-pee all over you on a chair. Scout did not think that was normal. Maybe it was a _medical thing_ where he liked pee-pee while having a Sex. Wouldn't that soak the pajamas, though?

"Is it a _gross_ Sex?" Scout persisted. "Is it _normal_ to have a Sex using pee-pee?"

_"Scram,_ we said!" Spy humphed with his French-hands waving about to make Scout back away and into the doorway. _"Seriously._ What a _nuisance,_ he is."

"Wow, no offense, but wha' da hell is up with youse guys?" Scout yelled and stamped his foot. "Yer all, 'I can't talk about Hooker! I can't talk about Sex! You can't even know wha' da hell we're sayin' because you ain't a gay bitch like us! Bla, bla, BLA!' You piece-a'-dick_ faggots!"_

Sniper chuckled. "Aww, so _cute,_" he said to Spy, even though Scout could hear every word he said. "Usin' dirty curse words, no idea wot they even _mean._"

"_FUCK! YOU_!" Scout screamed, clenching his fists up and stomping away from the two perverts. Scout hated them. Maybe right now they were talking more about Hooker without him listening, and that was just plain stupid and mean and dumb because they're dumb. And what does Sniper mean by 'dirty curse words'? Aren't dirty things like weiner jokes? Scout knew a weiner joke. His brother Kyle told it to him. Maybe it has something to do with Sex because no one liked to hear weiner jokes, except his weird brother Tommy, and no one liked to talk about Sex. Especially not his Ma and apparently now Spy and Sniper liked talking about Sex to each other but not to him! What the hell is up with this retarded Sex thing anyway? This was all really stupid! Why couldn't someone just tell Scout was Sex is? _Dude, Sex is GAY!_

Wait a second. Scout wondered why he even bothered to ask those perverts what Sex is. They're such dumbass titwhore retard pervs there's no way they could be smart enough to know what it REALLY means! Wow, Scout felt stupid for even attempting to ask them. But now he knew who to ask!

_Medic!_

* * *

"C'mon, ya hear me! Medic!" Scout called in the hallway. "C'mon! Doc! Where ya _be_, man?"

"Not _now,_ Scout!" Medic sighed from the open door of his office. Scout heard a squeak of a chair so he thought maybe he was doing a Hooker so he froze and peeked into the doorway but he was just getting up from a normal chair, that's all. Medic walked over to him. "Scout, you look very vurried," Medic noted, pushing in his glasses with one bloody hand. It made a blood stain on the glass part and Scout winced but Medic probably didn't notice, though. Scout wondered how often Medic cleaned his glasses. Maybe he didn't see him wince because the blood covered Scout's face, maybe. "I usually don't talk during a surgery, but za Heavy is asleep anyvey so I am villing to make an exception_ just zis vunce._"

"Yeah, yeah, yeah." Scout nodded. "'Kay, _soooo_...I gotta a'ks ya a question."

"Ask avay," Medic replied. He wiped off some blood on his vest but the hand was still red and Scout was all grossed out but then he remembered his question again and hell no, he could not ASK AWAY because Medic might not tell him that easy out here in the hallway, retard.

"Can we go somewhere quieteh?" Scout asked softly, making sure that those bitch-ass-niggers Assie-n-Frenchfuck don't go sticking their dumbass tit noses to snoop in to where they don't belong. "I think double-faggots Snipah and Spy will laugh at me if they hear me."

Medic raised his eyebrows. "Ja? Somezing private, _mm?_"

So then they walk over to his room thingy where the papers are but Scout was snooping around behind Medic and then he saw Heavy being operated on and all his organs and guts and blood and stuff were splattered _all over_ and Scout made a face and gagged real loud and then Medic turned around but Scout pretended he was just coughing so it was OK and not even that awkward, kind of.

Then they're in this room with a desk and a bunch of doves and Medic sits down at the desk so all the doves fly away to peck at Heavy's organs probably and then Medic wipes his hands on a tissue from a tissue box on the desk even though it's sort of weird for doctors to have the sniffles because whenever Scout got the sniffles he had to go to a doctor so that's like _an infinite loop of nonsensicality_. At least it got the blood off though so when Medic pushed his glasses it again there was no gross blood stain but Scout still saw the other one. As Scout was staring at the gross blood stain Medic went, "Go on, take a seat. Vat ah you _vaiting_ for?"

"A seat?" Scout looks down at the chair for a few seconds. "_Uh_, no thanks."

Medic shrugged. "So, vat ah you planning to ask me?"

"A lotta dick faggots I know have been talkin' 'bout_ Sex,_" Scout began with a frown. Medic's face got really confused. "I don't even know what da fuck dat shit_ is,_ but why da hell don't anyone wanna talk about Sex? Dude, _NO_ one wanna tell me what Sex is! _WHAT THE FUCK IS SEX?"_

The doctor bit his lip for a few seconds. Suddenly he did a loud hoot of laughing. "Ooh hoo hoo! Ah ha ha ha! Hoo hoo hoo! Oh, oh mein gott, are you _SERIOUS_?" Then stupid Medic burst into a loud, obnoxious, high-pitched German laughting seizure. "Ha ha ha ha! Ooh hoo hoo hoo! _Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! Ooh hoo hoo hoo hoo hoo hoo hoo!"_

Scout turned really red and stomped on the floor and hollered real loud, "STOP LAUGHING AT ME!"

Medic leaned back in the chair, still lauging hysterically like a bitch because he's obviously another bitch Scout hates right now so much that he would twist their necks together like a big fat rope and swing them all around except that Scout was not a meanie-fuck like those goddamned bastards and he had to put up with their shit because he did not have anger issues.

"Ooh hoo hoo! Ah ha! Ooh hoo hoo hoo! Halt mich, I can't! I can't, zis is hilarious! Ooh hoo hoo!" He wiped the tears from his bitch eyes. Thank god there were no blood on his hands because if there were then that would be _super_ gross and Scout would have ran away so thank god for doctor sniffles. Medic finally relaxed with a sigh; "...okay, all right, ausspannen, _ausspannen_...ah..."

_"So?_" Scout asked fucking finally. "Are you done laughing, or are you gonna tell me what da fuck a Sex is?"  
He stiffed up a serious face but Scout could see that he really wanted to smile for some reason. "Sex is a very serious thing," Medic said, holding back laughter and tensing up and taking his not-bloody hands and folding them together tightly as if he really wanted to move them but they were glued together with _impenitrable_ Nazi glue_ made with luv_ by Deutsche Arbeitsfront. "You see, zere is a special stork - "

"A_ stork?"_ Scout's head started hurting due to the massive amount of incorrect Sex things sinking into his brain. "Okay, listen, _no offense,_ but I know yer a _doctah_ so you can't jus' go _confusin'_ me because I know sex ain't about a stork, and it might be about whining, and it might be about pajamas, and it might be about chairs, and it might even be about_ pee-pee,_ and it - "

"Scout! Calm _down!"_ Medic shouted. "Shiesse. I assure you zat it is _not_ about chairs nor pajamas nor whining. Now, if you vuld sit down, please, I _vill_ tell you vat sex is, ja?"

Scout sulked and sat down like a good boy, like when his Ma makes him eat_ ALL_ his dinner and not just take a bite and then sneeze it into his lap.

"Good. _Now,_" Medic looked up at the ceiling as he probably was recalling what Sex is. Scout looked up there too, just in case, because maybe Sniper and Spy were on the ceiling like ninjas and then they were going to fall down on them and start talking about Hookers again. But they weren't up there.

"Oh, yeah," Scout interrupted, "...can ya also tell me what Hooker is?"

Medic pursed his lips and then his face got all flushy and weird. "Such words," he muttered to himself. "Whose fault is_ zis,_ I vunder..."

"Sniper," Scout answered honestly because he is a _good_ boy and does not lie. "And Spy. And sorta my Ma. And sorta Stevie, too."

The doctor drummed his fingers on the desk and whistled a bit. "Okay...hm...let's see..." He opened a drawer and grabbed a pencil from there because maybe he kept loads of Sex things in his drawer so Scout looked in the drawer but it was only pencils and a bunch of weird cream bottle things and also some plastic baggies in the shapes of circles. He saw his Ma with those too once.

Then Medic made an O with his non-bloody hands. "You see," Medic said and then he started to bite his lip a little bit more. He paused for a few seconds. "Sex is ven someone puts zer veiner somevere..."

"What weiner?" Scout asked, squinting at the weird explanation for Sex. "Like, a hot dog? Or like _what?"_

"Uh...za...eh..."

Scout thought maybe he asked the wrong thing. He waited for an answer after like 3 fucking hours of Medic stuttering like an idiot.

"Za vun in your pants you use to pee vith," Medic slurred quickly. "It's called a _penis,_and za urethra is a - "

_"EEEEEWWWW!"_ Scout shreiked and leaped into the air. "DUDE,_ GROSS!_ WHAT THE _FUCK?_ WHAT THE_ FUCK?"  
_  
"Sssh! Do you vant to know vat sex is or _not?"_ Medic snapped and he made a really scary angry-face so Scout slumped in his seat and shut the fuck up.

The pencil waved in the air dramatically. "See, let's pretend _zis_ pencil is your_ veiner!"_

_"DUDE!"_ Scout screamed. "THAT MAKES _NO_ SENSE! My weiner ain't _HARD!_ AND IT AIN'T THAT...UH, _TINY!"_

"Pre_tend_!" The pencil went into the hole of the O that Medic made with his hands. "See, _zat's_ a hole - "

"What hole? Is my weiner in a fucking _ditch?_" Scout asked. "Who da fuck put my weiner back dere? A _sicko,_ that's who! Why are dey even throwin' my weiner around? Is it_ cut off_ now? Dude,_ what?"_

_"Hush,_ Scout!_ No vun_ is throwing yah _veiner_ around!" Medic sighed. "Okay, ve'll talk about za hole latah. So you take your veiner and you put it _IN_ za hole, like _ZIS!_" Then he stuck the pencil into the weird hole thing that made no sense really deep and fast.

"Ouch, my weiner!" Scout barked. "How does it get out?"

"You _pull_ it out!" Medic shouted as he drew back the pencil. "Now_ stop_ interrupting! Okay, so zen you pull it out, and _in_, and out, and _in_..." And then the Medic turned really red and he began laughing in a really weird mad scientist voice as he showed Scout how the pencil was going into the hole thing and Scout was really creeped out and also, what the fuck was wrong with him? "And zen, BLAM! It all GUSHES out! ZA _BLOOD_ OF ZA POOR _TORTURED_ PATIENT AND ALL ZA _OOZING SEMEN_ OF ZA _MAD DOCTAH! DON'T STOP! DON'T STOP! HARDAH, MEDIC! HARDAH!_ AH HA HA HA HA HA_ HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!"_

"What the fuck?" Scout's eyes grew really wide and then he grabbed onto the chair and pushed backwards away from Medic. "Gushes outta _where?"_

"Out of za tip, essentially," Medic grinned to quiet down himself and then dropped the pencil onto the table. "Vell aftahward, it gushes out too, but it depends vere you put it," Medic replied snugly, with an evil snicker. He counted off on his fingers as he listed the places he's been. "Za vumen's snatch, anyvun's mouth, a good butthole - "

"EEEEEEEWWWWWWWWWWWWW!" Scout yelled. "_DUUUUUUUUUUUDE!_ WHAT THE _FUCK_ WHY WOULD _I_ PUT_ MY_ WEINER _ANY_ OF THOSE PLACES URRRGHHHH! GROSS GROSS _GROSS!_" Scout stood up and then he ran away from the office with Medic calling after him, "It's not gross, you incoherent dummkopf! _Scheibe!"_

* * *

Scout was not able to look at anyone as he sulked in the hallway and instead looked at his own feet because he realized he was surrounded in Sex. He passed Demo, who swaggered along with a limp and incomprehensable drunken moaning.

Moaning...? _Like his Ma with the repairman?_

EWWWWW! EW EW EW _FUCK DEMO!_

So then Scout shoved him away and then Demoman fell down on his black ass in the hallway muttering about how lads always shove him and how the fair is not world, ae. Then Engineer whistled out of his room with a handful of rolled-up papers.

_"Engineer!"_ Scout squeaked.

Engineer turned around like a hillbilly who was surprisingly not wheezing at the moment.

The Texan smiled warmly. "Kee, ol' boy?"

"Aren't you a...are you a _repairman?_" asked Scout quietly because Engineer seemed to not understand why Scout was shivering and his eyes were really big and wide as if he just saw a big fat Sex.

"Ya don't look too good, little fella, y'alright?" Engineer asked, even though Scout's Ma always said 'Scout, ya nevah evah respond ta a question wit anudda question, aw right, honey? Naaaw, was that you dat made da big puddle a' pee nex' ta da toilet, sweetie?' And then Scout remembered pee and then he shuddered because Sniper is a big fat sicko without a meaning of life or a weiner and he deserve to go die and have a weenie up his mouth forever because that's bad, right? Right, Scout thinks hopefully, because why the hell would Medic put it in someone's mouth? Engineer steered the unsuspecting Scout into his boring shit blueprint bedroom room and closed the door behind them. Engineer flopped onto the bed and patted the spot next to him. "C'mon, tell me what's the matter. I'll listen, boy."

_"AAAAH!"_ Scout jumped at the sight of Engineer on the bed. "WE'RE NOT GOING TO HAVE A_ SEX_, ARE WE?"

And then the Texan turned really really red and coughed, "What in the world? Sex? What in hell're you goin' on about, son?"

"I SAID NO, I SAID!" Scout began to sob. "I DON'T WANT YER WEENIE IN MY MOUTH! OR MY BUTT! OR ANYWHERE ELSE THAT MEDIC DIDN'T SAY!"

Engineer sighed and took his face in his hands for a moment. "Ohhh crap. Don' tell me Medic tried ta explain what sex was. That ain't gonna work out for no one." The hand with the weird rubber yellow glove on it again pat the seat on the bed next to him. "Siddown. Lemme tell you what it really is, okay?"

"No sex?" sniffled Scout.

He nodded. "Promise."

Scout plunked down next to him on the matress.

"So," Engineer began awkwardly. He took a deep breath and then he looked at Scout. "Whaddaya need help in? I'm here for ya."

"Okay, so it's a long story," Scout told him.

"I'll listen," Engineer assured him, wondering if he actually would.

"Once upon a time Sniper and Spy were talking about a Sex and Hooker. And then those fucksos wouldn't even tell me what the fuck it was and so I had to ask Medic only Medic shoved a pencil up in his fingers and then he talked about blood and something coming and then it was weird and now I hate him because he said Penis at my wee-wee and he says it ends up in a hole like a mouth or butt or snatch, whatever da hell dat is. The end.

"Plus also, here's another stupid thing," Scout whined, wiping his nose on the bandages that wrapped around his arm. "Medic didn't even tell me what da hell is a hooker!"

Engineer sat hunched over silently.

Scout poked him. "Ya fine, pally?"

Engineer nodded. "Okay, so, ya wanna know...what is...what is..." He coughed into his hand and quickly said, "What's sex." He gulped and thought about how he explained it to Sarah when she asked him a few years ago. She went up to him working on the bathtub and went, 'Daddy, where did you and Mama get all them babies from?' and Engineer looked her cute little chubby face, smiled warmly, took a deep breath and said, "Ask Irene."

And now _he_would have to do the explaining.

_Shit_.

"So when, ah, so when," Engineer stuttered, scratching his ear, "So when a man and a lady love each other to pieces - actually, wait, scratch that...lemme start over..."

"Whaddaya mean?" Scout asked.

"Oh." Engineer turned to Scout as he rubbed his hands together and turned really really red, even redder than when he wheezed. "Uh...um...well, it...it don't gotta be a_ LADY_and a man, you see..."

"Huh?"

"Could be two men, fer 'xample," Engineer quickly replied. "Anyway, when two adult fellas feel like they can't love each other any more than they do, they gotta take it somewhere, right?"

He looked over at Scout and bit his lip. "Right, buddy?"

"Wha - oh. Uh, right."

"Yeah, so," Engineer continued, looking back at his knees and pulling his helmet down over his eyebrows, "they have a real good kissy time an' then they wanna...uh...they wanna..."

Scout interrupted him. "Wanna what?"

"They wanna kiss other stuff," Engineer finished, although that doesn't really sound like a good description to him.

"Kiss other stuff? Like, what, the table? Whadda fuck you talkin' 'bout, Engy?"

"No, no!" Engineer snapped. He took a deep breath. "The man - or, uh, um, both men - get a...get a feelin' down there and they wanna, uh, make...make someone else feel good with them, too...y'know what I mean?"

Scout titled his head to the side because Engineer's explanation was retarded. "What?"

"The man - or_ both_ men - wanna put their pee-wees somewhere, arright?" Engineer jumped up with a really sweaty face and dusted off his overalls with his hand really fast and then he talked in a rush like he wanted to get away from Scout. "Then they go, go, go, put their pee-wees there, cum, okay, we're done,_ all_ good, now, get _out_ of here, Scout,_ please_, I got _work_ to do."

"_Noooo_," Scout whined. "You didn't even answer any _quesstioooons_. Fag_goootttt_."

Engineer sighed and rubbed his temples and he got a little bit less red so he sat back down on the bed. "Alrighty, _fine_, then. Any questions?"

Scout obediently raised his hand.

"Scout," Engineer said.

His hand went back down. "What's a cum?" Scout asked politely, so Engineer wouldn't rush his dumb stupid sentences again and plus also Scout could finally make complicated jokes about weenies with Spy and Sniper.

_"Hooo, boy..."_ Engineer groaned. "Ya see, when someone...a man...no wait, a woman, too...okay, when a _man_ feels real real _real_ swell then he feels so good he gotta _shout_ somethin' and then..." He hid his face and talked really quietly. "...and then, a wh-white thing comes...out of the...w-weenie, and it's...l-like a liquid, sorta_ flows_ right out...Okay, nuff o' that, any _other_ questions?"

Scout's hand shot up again.

"Scout," Engineer said.

"What's a hooker?" Scout asked politer.

Engineer rubbed his chin. "It's...it's, well, an illegal job that you pay for havin' sex," he responded quickly, glad it was not as awkward as the previous question. "Alright, anythin' _else?"_

Scout's hand shot up.

"Yer kinda the only one in the room, Scout," Engineer admitted. "Ya can jus' say th' questions, y'know."

Scout's hand waved in the air.

Engineer rolled his eyes under his goggles. He grunted. _"Scout."_

"Why did Sniper tie up a hooker to a chair and then he threw pee-pee at her from jars and then I think he took out his weenie?" Scout blinked. "Why'd he_ do_ that?"

"Spare me th' details, son," Engineer murmured, scratching his neck again. "He's a_ strange_ ol' man, that's all."

"But, why, though? Is dat normal? Do YOU like pee-pee, Engineer? Also, did you evah come? Plus, do you wanna be a hooker? Is dere a hooker on this team? Have you ever sexed a _hooker?_ How do _women_ cum? What if someone bites off my weenie if it's in their mouth? Does sexin'_ hurt?_"

His question was met by a really fast exhale and a tight grin. "Well, then! That's enough talk fer you, Scout," Engineer said curtly as he shoved Scout off his bed and into the doorway. "You go on now, an' make sure ya don't talk to Sniper an' Spy again because I don't wanna know what else they're gonna be teachin' you, eh, little feller?"

"You didn't answer, like, half the things I asked, you gay_ fuck_," Scout replied politely.

Engineer shoved him out into the hallway with exasperation and a pair of hands that should go and do tampon-eating math.

(Are you proud of me? _I didn't even incorporate excess Engy wheezeness._)

* * *

So then Scout _finally_ feels better about this weird Sex thing and he thinks maybe he could be a Hooker when he grows up because that job doesn't sound too bad.

And maybe he could finally contribute a weenie story someday to Sniper and Spy's conversations.

Except maybe not when they were making those whining sounds in the bedroom. Hey, maybe they were using a Hooker!

Scout tried to remember those days so he could ask them later, but he always forgot to.

That night, Scout fell asleep nice and happy, and he felt his weenie dangling around somewhere in his baseball-bat footie pajamas and he promised that one day he would stick his weenie somewhere good and pleasant and then he could finally have a Sex for himself.

And then the covered himself with his blanket and thought about weenies and Miss Pauling and how maybe she would like his weenie.

* * *

Hey, maybe I _was_ wrong. Maybe little boys ought to know what hookers are.

Well, Scout ought to anyway.

He's on a team full of _old men perverts._

_That's_ pretty scary if you ask _me._


End file.
